As many of you know, I am moving October 1. I spoke to my future landlord and was pleased to find that we will be able to move things in a little early, which makes D-Day less stressful, busy and heavy, so to speak. I was promised the same thing by my current landlord. This didn't happen as it should of. In fact, most of the stuff was not even out of the apartment the day of! I was told it would be empty up to a week early. This was the first of many lies she gave me. The other big one was the replacement of bad windows in the house.

We moved into the apartment last December. The tenant at the time complained of a draft in the bedroom (many of the windows in the house we being held up by duct tape or barely closed). The landlord promised that the window in the bedroom would be replaced before we moved in or soon thereafter. Needless to say, it didn't happen. In fact, yesterday all the windows were replaced. Seven days before we move out, the cunt replaced all the fucking windows with gorgeous windows with screens and everything. Prior, there were only two screens for the whole house, half the windows wouldn't even stay open and some wouldn't shut completely (which cost us a shitload of money to heat the place in the Winter).

So. Why am I telling you this. All because of a funny thing I told my future landlord when we were sitting in his immaculate apartment that looked like it belonged in the Talented Mr. Ripley. We were talking about things, the lease I was about to sign and all the work this man had done on the house.

He had a brick fireplace in his apartment which he covered with a buffet table. He talked about how he would love to use it but didn't even know if the thing worked or not. He said he needed to hire someone to come and see if the fireplace was still functional or if it needed to be fixed. We were talking about how neither of us really knew how you would go about checking this exactly, so I said that he'd probably have to pay someone to go to the roof and drop Santa Claus down the chimney...
nothing. The guy barely even smiled and I thought that this was one of my good ones. He looks like he's either of middle eastern descent or North African. He's got an accent that's tough to distinguish. So as he's talking and I'm getting that awkward feeling you get when a joke bombs I started to think, maybe this guys Muslim and thinks Santa Claus is Satan's plaything. I'm Jewish too, maybe I'm giving him the wrong impression. Do I coyly mention my dormant religion? Do I make a joke about how Santa is really from Finland and it's too cold for me to go get him, I'd rather be in Florida like all good jews? Would that bomb too?

So rather than push the envelope, I grabbed the motherfucker and tortured him until he fessed up to being a filthy Arab who's got nothing better to do than torture and behead Jewish tenants. nice guy though