Hey Cookie Monster -- Go Fuck Yourself

It can't be questioned that the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Jesus don't exist... well maybe Jesus did, but if he did he had to be Jewish. But seriously folks... I know that the Yetti exists (I've seen video); I've even been confused with it once or twice while on excursions to lakes and through forests and although I've been shot at several times for this mistake, I don't hold it against Harry. There is another creature that has been confirmed recently, joining the ranks of the Loch Ness Monster and the Jersey Devil... the cookie monster. That's right folks, the fucking cookie monster.

Last night mean and mun mun woke up to many noises throughout the night. Every hour or so we would be alarmed by the cracking of plastic bags and other otherworldly noises. I got out of bed innumerable times to find the source of this racket, and although I think, mid-halfway-dreaming about the origins of pine trees and why they are not deciduous, I saw glowing eyes I couldn't be certain what it was.

A couple hours later, after intermittent visions of perrenial timbers and bow ties, I woke for work less refreshed and bewildered. As I made my way to the bathroom for a schvitz I noticed the ziploc bag that once had organic oreos. We left it last night zipped, as it were, with several cookies left. However, this morning all bleary eyed and bitter, the ziploc bag was opened. The carton was half out of the bag, the thin plastic covering was more ripped, and all the fucking cookies were gone! QUE PASA? The strangest thing about this was that there were no fucking crumbs! QUe? No crumbs! This isn't some commercial about some fat old bearded man in red plopping down a chimney and eating the cookies and milk left out for him -- we don't even drink milk!

So, this is irrefutable evidence that the cookie monster exists, he's mean as hell, and he loves organic food. Fuck you cookie monster, fuck you!


oh, If you came here for politics and not talk about cookies, fuck you, this is my life, deal with it and keep reading. I love all of you! except you toole, you rat bastard.



UPDATE: I forgot to mention... I will make it to the beach sometime this weekend, as I am forced to evacuate my abode out of fear of reprisals for preempting such an attack from happening again by not only removing all organic oreos from my premesis, but by dropping daisy cutters on every species of the cookie genus although mostly muslim cookies. These pig-fucking cookie monsters can take me away from my home, but they can't take my home away .. from. . this pig fucker can't take away our freedoms, ya see, that's why he attacked us. cuz he hates out freedom and despite what the commission that is being formed against my wishes will tell you, this terrorist had ties to Nabisco dating back to the mid-nineties. They have had collaborative relationships that undoubtedly surmised that their attack could cripple my economy and my homeland. They may have taken away my home for a couple days, but they haven't taken the couple days away from my home. Seriously, how can you value cookie crisp if you don't value crisp cookies? Ya see, here in Jersey we have a saying: take cookies away from me once... uh... shame on... ME, take cookies away from me twice... uh... da cookies ain't gonna get cookie taken again.